chilli con horne

Yup, that’s right. It’s all getting better and better. Last time it was all about crime, and this time it’ll be about sex. And crime. Sort of...

As for crime, again, let’s talk about theft. This time I went even further and stole a recipe not from a cookbook, not from a TV show, but from a proper book, like the one you read for... well, reading I guess. I stumbled upon it a few years ago and seeing it there, squeezed between the pages normally shut tight and collecting dust on a bookshelf I’ve decided that it has to be retrieved, freed and cherished. Which must have been the author’s intention anyway. I mean, would you (being Neil Gaiman and stuff) ever included in your very popular book (American Gods by the way) a recipe for a chilli con carne hoping that no one would ever attempt to cook it? Come on! That’s like hoping that no one’ll ever see your picture on the Facebook.
So, that’s the crime sorted. What about sex then? Simple. A good chilli needs to be hot, right? A couple of jalapenos, some Tabasco, cayenne for real hombres and whatever else you can think of. I mean... if it doesn’t need to be served in a lead or marble bowl, if it doesn’t eat spoons making slurping noises, if it doesn’t glow orange and doesn’t make your house plants grow elephant trunks and tentacles – chilli it ain’t. Which means that, yes, you do need an asbestos stomach and titanium rectum but there are benefits as well. First, you save on energy bills in the winter. Second, you save on food, because for the following three days your mouth is so badly burnt that even sipping water at room temperature makes you feel like you were trying to feed on coal. And last but not least your blood starts to run quicker, you get a slight adrenaline rush and you become more sensitive to stimuli. And that means of course that should you desire to carry on with the evening in a romantic fashion, it’ll feel better. 
And now, since I’ve got your full attention, let’s get back to cooking. What we need is:

- minced beef
- large onion
- cherry or plum tomatoes
- red kidney beans (tinned)
- mushrooms (optional)
- lemon
- paprika, black pepper
- fresh chilli and/or marinated jalapenos and/or cayenne pepper
- ground cumin and coriander
- fresh coriander (a bit of an aphrodisiac in it’s own right actually)

What we do is quite obvious. Start with dicing the onion and cooking it with a little bit of olive oil on a frying pan under cover until soft. Then add chopped mushrooms (if used) give it a few more minutes and add the meat. Remember to use a wooden spoon and a lot of patience (as well as a wrist stamina, ehem) to break all the meat lumps so we end up with rather dry mixture and meat bits the size of (more or less, of course) rice grains. When the meat starts getting brown and stick to the pan a little bit add halved tomatoes and cook until tomatoes break completely. Then squeeze in juice of half a lemon and add your seasoning and spices and as a last go the beans. Depending on how moist is your chilli so far you can drain the beans or add them with the water they come with in the can. Serve on rice garnished with fresh coriander.


And if you think that the introduction to this recipe promised far more than a quick and unexpected ending I’d just like to remind you that I’ve warned you at the very beginning, that I was going to talk about sex...